It’s 11 pm local time, by the time I finish this post it will be midnight, 27th of February. I could keep it short and simple and just say, Happy Birthday… but this time I feel like I should write more… not sure what… and not sure why… not sure why now.
It has been four years. Four years since I first heard you sing. Back then, you pulled me out of my deepest misery, you chased away my nightmares, you lifted my spirits and made me believe everything would be all right. Always.
Since that time, you have had an impact on my life stronger than most people around me have. You have inspired me artistically, you have showed me how to be generous, you have given me some of the most amazing friends I ever had. Because of you, I travelled; because of you, I was brave; because of you, I became involved. You made me think, you made me soar, you made me help others. Through your music I experienced feelings I have never had before. From your voice I drew strength and bliss. By your beauty the artist within me was profoundly moved. Your humour has made me laugh, your generosity has made me weep, your presence has given me clarity. Your humbleness is a constant reminder of who I want to be.
I am writing a novel that you inspired. This novel is teaching me things about myself and other people I never understood as clearly as now. It may never be published but my soul and heart are in it, and it is a world I can take refuge in, and get recharged by. Whenever I feel off, I only need to write a little to my novel. Indirectly, you’re still helping me find my center!
You have given me new musical insight. Ben Folds, Mumford & Sons, A Fine Frenzy. Charles Aznavour. Thank you for them!
Your foundation made me become involved in doing charity work. Something I have never done, not that I’m proud of it. You set us an example, and you live by it. You do exacly what you preach. You truly live by Christ’s teachings. You get involved where and when you can , you help people, as many as you can, you pay attention to your fans, to as many as you physically and emotionally can. You listen to what we say, you grant us our wishes. You indulge us, you cater for our needs. You care for us. You really do. The way we care for you. It’s a full circle that has not been broken yet, and I know for certain that it’s not you who will break it, when the time comes… it will be our foolishness, selfishness, and greed.
All these things that you do, you do them gladly, without any effort. You stay open and you stay focused on what’s really important in life. You have been brought up well by two wonderful parents in a wonderful manner and you can walk on your path with your head raised high. You exude love and clarity, you have an aura of something genuine about you, something that we find irresistible. A dear friend once phrased this thought in the truest way possible: “We are drawn to Josh like moths are drawn to the fire. But instead of getting singed, we are reborn.” We are drawn to you, Josh, like tiny moths to a gargantuan, magical, surreal fire; you engulf us with the flames of your love and we are, literally, reborn; each of us rise from our ashes, better persons, grown into our better selves. We are saved, and purged, because of you.
Please don’t be frightened of this huge responsibility. It’s a heavy load but it would not be within you, if you weren’t strong enough to carry it. And if or when you decide to throw the burden off, we’ll be there to carry it for you. And you can let go, and fall back on us. We’ll catch you, we’ll break your fall. We’ll give back what you gave us. There is nothing in the world that you can do and make us stop loving you, Josh. Nothing.
I know now why I wanted to write this post. It’s a public blog, you might come across it. Maybe, who knows. Bigger miracles have happened! I know that I can never tell you all this in person, not ever. Not only because I couldn’t, but also because I am not meant to. I’ve been struggling against this for years, I was hoping to get closer to you, one day, maybe, through a miracle, start working for you, or something as silly as that. But all the things that you’ve given me, now I know: I am not meant to thank you for them. Because deep within your subconscious you know all of it already. You know. You see it in our eyes, you hear it in our cheers. You feel it in our love that travels to you each and every time. So there is no need for yet another clingy fan to tell you just how much she loves you.
I wrote all these things down with the certainty that I can never personally express to you what you mean to me. And in the humble hope that written words travel fast. Maybe they reach you while you sleep, or drink your glass of champagne over a slice of cake, or rehearse with the band for one of the upcoming shows. Maybe the power of loving thoughts and words can indeed move mountains. I truly hope so.
Happy Birthday, dear Josh! May your life always be as amazing as you are making mine.