My wordpress permalink tells me this is my second blogpost with the above title. I’m surprised it’s not the fifth!
A few months ago I took a vow not to write about any personal matters on this blog any more. I got tired of my own exhibitionism. I got tired of feeling exposed and I got tired of feeling ignored. The fact that I’ve been only experiencing these extremes for some time now made me realise that my blog had become my drug, a virtual, and hence, fake network of communication and friendships. I had to put an end to that.
This post is the first one that verges on the personal, because even though it is not about me, strictly speaking, it still is. In so many ways. Because you changed me. Part of who I am is you. Your generosity, your humour, your creativity, your openness, your taste in music have all shaped my character. I don’t even remember when the last time was when I listened to any of your songs but I carry you with me, always. I have your latest album (my favourite so far, a real gem) and a good compilation of your previous songs on my music player. They are there for me to fall back on if I ever need them. But I don’t, not any longer. I used to depend on your voice. I used to feel the world would end if I stopped listening to your voice. I used to think everything would be alright as long as I heard you sing. You were my drug, Josh. But you helped me for so many years. You sustained me when I felt weak, like you sustained and keep sustaining millions. Maybe you know that by now. Maybe you have no idea how strong we think you are. We see through your shadow… we see something more… believe there’s a light in you… we are sure. We are, Josh, and you do have that light within you. The more of us see it in you, the greater and brighter that light gets. Have you noticed? But we must never forget what you are. A weak human being like all of us. Someone who has not found what they are looking for yet, someone who is still on the path to self-discovery. You are a journeyman and a light-warrior. You invite us on your journey, that is part of your generous nature. If some of us fail to join you, please know that it is not your fault. Not all of us are ready.
If I could tell you everything, I would. But we are light years apart, physically and spiritually speaking. You are way ahead of me in some respects… I am following at a distance. I see your weaknesses… whenever you fall, I wish I could catch you. But I can’t. I can only watch from afar and put my trust in the Universe that will cater for both you and me and the rest of us.
If I could give you something, anything, I would. But you have infinitely more than I, and what I have, you do not need any more. The only part of me that you can use is my constant love and admiration. I don’t need you any more, my love is not possessive any more, I don’t have to take you every day for my soul to survive. I am only following your life from a distance. I am happy when you’re happy. I am sad when you seem sad. I rejoice whenever you get a tiny bit more recognition than the last time. Maybe you expect me to say that you deserve more recognition. I don’t know who deserves what… we are all the same. Trying, making efforts to stay alive and leave a mark in our eternal struggle toward eternity. I think we all get whatever we need to move on.
May you be happy today and every other day of the rest of your life. I wish that with all my heart. Happy birthday, Joshua! And say Happy birthday to Chris also. *wink*