March 15, 2009
It’s not possible to keep my thoughts to myself. I re-read and re-write and I die each time I see a smile, I feel a touch, I read a thought of fear, of hope, of impossible desire. I’m locked with him and her in their tiny space of timelessness, I’m immortal like them, I weep with them and embrace them, separately and together. There’s no one I could talk to, no one I can share all this with, no one can understand, I can only seem crazy and vain. I told a friend I have been teaching myself to keep the bad things to myself… not burden people with everything I feel. That applies to the good also… I wish I could break my promise now, but as punishment for making myself unreachable for so many, no one is within my reach at this very moment of endless, divine bliss. I’m torn to pieces and I’m reborn each second, every time I blink and I see the world be resurrected over and over.
They say there is no pain one cannot endure. I don’t know about that, I never had to endure much pain… I only know that there must be a limit to enduring bliss. If there isn’t… then I’ll shortly know what God feels.
May 17, 2007
So this is my own private Angel no. 1. I would not be me without him. I love, love, love you so much dearest!!!!!!!! :-********
Ő tehát az én személyes 1. számú Angyalkám, aki nélkül nem lennék önmagam.
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April 6, 2007
…is happening these days… time flies, or lingers, it’s basically all the same; I do the same things; I see the same people…
Is spring really here? I can see it and hear it all around me… but I can’t feel it.
I think a bout of loneliness is coming… I have been euphoric for quite some time now. It was bound to end. Everything always ends… We set our hearts on something, we get it, then we leave it behind… and we go for the next things to keep us high. High is everyone’s favourite mood, ain’t it? To really feel, to experience, to understand, to virtually go through something, if it was never meant to be actually lived.
My better half is far from me… and going home to an empty flat is the most heartbreaking experience anyone who has had their soulmate by their side for years has to go through. I cheat on solitude by filling the silence with an angel’s voice; the blanks I see before me I fill with colours and shapes and things that will never happen; the lack of human touch I try to balance with people somewhere far, people I have never seen or met, and will probably never do so; I miss my better half, as I can only see with one eye, I can only breathe with one lung, and my legs only take me halfway to where I want to be.
Oh, the places I’ve been to these past weeks… I have soared on borrowed wings, and I have touched the heavens. Now I think it is time to give the wings back. Not that I want to. But this is how it works… and I can be grateful I receive them once in a while. Most people never feel what I feel. Thank you, my protective angels, thank you, Whoever, Whatever, Wherever- living or not- existant or divined.
I hope I can still take a few sips of this wine… I need to stay inebriated, otherwise hell awaits me.
