Avalanche (29)

It was late, and it was dark. And it was lonely in the flat, her only possession. Past midnight, tossing sleeplessly on her crumpled sheet.

There was too much to think about, suddenly: the moment she returned to her old life, Mick asked her out (he did, eventually, pop the question), Jake emerged at the end of the day with a small box of chocolates he stealthily placed on her desk before giving her a sheepish goodbye smile, and-

And then there was Josh, too.

It was impossible to get him out of her head: one minute she thought she was safe, forgetting him like a good girl, getting on with her life. After all, she was so good at turning a new leaf each time someone exited her apartment and her life, too: she had had thorough practice, so why was it so difficult this time?

Abbey told her a lot about the stranger she’d been locked together with, the person she had risked her life for, and she realized how badly she had misjudged him in the beginning. His generosity she only noticed when it was too late, and his genuine affection she mistakenly took for an effort to get inside her pants. He seemed to be a very nice person, one who would not purposely hurt another human being… As things stood now, Kat was more and more inclined to believe that Josh did, in fact, care for her. And as the events followed each other, she was more and more scared that she had lost her only chance to accept his approaches and love him back.

She shivered in the dark, watching snowflakes chase each other lazily down the black slope of the night. They fell and dropped to form a thick protective layer, one to veil the imperfections of the world. If only humans had such a veil, too… If only she could have shown herself as a perfect, lovable, easy-going girl with no crazy behaviour traits to mar the overall picture. Someone with a happy family background, a loving brother or sister, a happy childhood and a happy present, well situated, satisfied with her career progress, content with her emotional and mental abilities. On the whole, someone suitable for a person like Josh. But now that he had seen her for who she was, there was no way he would want anything to do with her, ever again. She did not blame him, either.

It was no use, anyway. Josh was out of the picture, with his gentle eyes and magical smile and that voice that sounded like snowflakes falling and stars twinkling and one’s soul expanding into something larger than ever imaginable. Earlier that day, she had sneaked onto one of his websites to watch some videos and listen to songs his fans had uploaded. Had she not loved him in the first place, she would have probably fallen in love with him, seeing and hearing him online… Pathetic she was, but the fact was a fact: he was so unlike all her previous flames that she couldn’t help her emotions. She was unable to stop her heart beating for him even when she thought he was a fraud… how could she have helped it now, knowing how honest he had been? And she didn’t believe him. Hating herself seemed the only thing to do after midnight, alone in her flat, and not even her knowledge of her own past helped. Not the countless jerks who had destroyed her faith in men, nor the bitter truth about her struggling childhood. She had been blind, safely nesting inside her own uncertainties, the only truth she had: a certainty that nothing was to be seen as real, and that everything was, eventually, a lie.

Her glance fell on the chocolates Jake had given her. Oh lord, she would have to do something about Jake… he was getting brave and impertinent, showering her with small gifts that she suspected would turn into larger ones later. He was only a teen, however sweet and gentle. A young man who was looking for love, not wanting to see that she was uncapable of giving real love.

But what did Mick see in her? Another mystery… And more importantly, was there anything in it for her? Reliable, patient, witty Mick. A little too slow for her… or maybe, too safe. Yes, he was too safe. Compared to her exes anyway… With him, she would crave adrenaline very fast.

Well, here she was, judging people once again without knowing them properly. One more misjudgement in a series that has probably started longer than she could remember.

A sigh escaped her dry lips. Why did it have to be soooo complicated? Someone please tell her how to live a NORMAL life…

Snow fell on the world, covering all mistakes but hers. Hers were black and striking, visible for herself as they were, she thought, for everyone else. No one would want to be with her, no one in their right minds, so why was she even trying to have a decent relationship?


Morning found Josh on the couch, asleep and snoring. A little time later, when he woke up, he realized where the snoring part came from: it was Sweeney, curled up on his stomach, sleeping happily.

So much for looking for Kat, Josh realized ruefully. He only thought of his resolution, and ignored the fact that Kat, and looking for her was the very first thing on his mind.

Gently pushing Sweeney off, not caring that the dog landed with a soft thud on the carpet, he sat up and looked at the pair of accusing eyes.

-That’s right. Icy stare –he mumbled sleepily. –I don’t care how you hate me right now, because, for your information, I hate you more.

Sweeney barked indignantly and licked Josh’s extended hand.

-Don’t think you can barter your way out of this with a lick –Josh ruffled the dog-head. –You’re doing nothing short of ruining a possible chance of happiness for me, you get it? Why couldn’t you go to sleep on the damn rug?

Fully aware of how ridiculous he sounded, Josh petted Sweeney and leaned back on the couch. Thinking about his day, about work, about some ideas which floated inside his brain. It was time to get busy with work, he concluded.

-And if you please, stay away from that rug for a week –he groaned as he stood up to go to the bathroom.

Standing under the shower, he remembered he would have to meet Brian about live performances on several talkshows and odd events. He also had ideas for a new album that he wanted to work on, so things would be busy enough for him. No time to mope around or excessive thinking.

Besides, it had been a lost cause from the very beginning: two people who could not have been more different than he and Kat. She was stubborn, rude, aggressive and defensive, with a smaller self-confidence than an ant. When he remembered January, his heart warmed at the chance he missed back then… He knew now how patient, understanding and supportive she had been, and he saw his mistake so clearly. He should have fought for her, he should never have listened to her reasoning. They could, and should have made it work, despite their hectic lifestyles. He had been too impatient, thinking his career would suffer in the long run if he spent more time with her, and that she would suffer if he spent more time with his career. It was a lose-lose situation, or so he had thought, but now… Without the specific wish to compare the two women, he did so, and January beckoned from the past as an angel he had stupidly let go of.

By the time he brushed his teeth, there was no more need to coax himself about the rightness of his decision. It was the only thing to do: the ripples were, thankfully, not deep enough, and the water would settle pretty soon.

Whistling some melody he couldn’t get rid of, he positively felt uplifted. He combed his hair, making it look fluffy and soft like a cloud; never mind, the humid air outside would make it soon look normal, he thought happily.

He stepped out of the bathroom and went to make himself breakfast, focusing on cereals and coffee. Crunching on the food, he took the bowl to go and sit down for a few minutes and watch the news.

When he sat down, he noticed Sweeney fast asleep. On his rug.

Almost choking on cereals, he felt like pouring milk on top of the damn dog. He ate without real appetite and watched the news without understanding a single word. The melody was out of his mind and so were his plans of meeting Brian, then David. How was he supposed to work like that? How was he supposed to forget her when-

Shutting the TV off, he threw the half-full bowl into the sink. He needed to get out, and get away, and that is what he intended to do.