Something… something

Something’s brewing inside me these days; probably not the marriage-scare thing, although analysts would be happy to say so. It’s just that in the past, I don’t know… years perhaps, I’ve always looked for company to do something. Go to movies, go to the theatre, travel somewhere. When I discovered a new favourite artist, I had to find someone for discussions. When I wrote something, a short story or blogpost, I kindof needed someone to read what I had to say and comment. Slowly, gradually, my spiritual studies and the way I’m changing inside has led me to the thought that even though humans are social beings and they require the company of others, they do not require company at all times. This thought has come to the forefront especially during those times when after a very busy week packed with meeting after meeting with friends, extra-curricular activities etc. I felt emotionally, mentally and spiritually parched, I felt like I never wanted to meet another human being again. This has been going on for years; after my clumsy teens and my timidly sociable twenties I suddenly grew into a full-fledged social butterfly, not in the strict sense of the word, only compared to what I used to be like, of course. I guess the thirties do that to everyone, right? I am part of several circles of friends, acquaintances, or just certain groups of people who center around specific subjects, like new age studies, certain favourite performers etc. One will inevitably feel after a while that there is only as much time and energy to spend in the company of other people, let those be family or friends. I’ve been there one too many times, I guess, and I’m not talking about rare and precious opportunities when someone meets special friends in a very long time, or for the first time ever (sis, this is not about you guys AT ALL). There is a time and a place for being with someone. And there is the time and place specifically designed for spending time with… well, yourself.

Ever since I found my own voice (it was late, some time in my mid-twenties), I have been using it abundantly. Oh, man. When I think about it… all those times when people debated this and that… the pros and cons of cheating on someone, on marriage, on political views, on religion versus science, on what not. I always had to have my say. I used to think I had the right to say it. I still hold that opinion: everyone has a right to have an opinion. But is there a need to always voice that opinion? Is there always a need to ignite an argument for the sake of creating a healthy (?) debate? All those times that I felt personally hurt when someone disagreed with me… and all those times I chose friends based on how they agreed or disagreed with what I had to say. It’s sad but true. It takes time, and for some, like me, it takes a hell of a lot of time to discover this simple principle: when you “like” someone, when you feel an affinity or kinship with someone, it’s usually yourself you are seeing in that person, all the traits that you like in yourself. It’s like you’d be liking yourself. Well, it’s a first step, definitely: after all, you must be friends with yourself to be so with others. This way, everyone you’ve ever liked, loved or felt a kinship with has been leading you to a place where you can finally start to know, understand and accept your own self. Or even like yourself. It’s hard. It’s bloody hard, but let’s not dwell on that, shall we. I’m just grateful that thanks to my numerous readings over the years, mentors I’ve had and I still have now, events and occurrences, I managed to grasp a maybe just few truths about existence and the human condition. One such truth is the above, and another, that I do not need anyone, and I mean, any single person to define who I am. Being loved by others is certainly wonderful, and loving others is also. But there is a time and place for that, too. Sometimes it’s just me, myself and I, and I believe that love can exist in itself, in a single human being’s heart and soul, it does not necessarily need to be reflected in someone else’s eyes. Love just… is. There, here, everywhere. The universe is love. Energy is love. God is love, and we are God, so… we are love. Together and as individuals. Each time we accept something as it is and do not fight against it because we don’t like a certain situation, we love. Every time we walk through a garden and smell the freshly cut lawn, we love. Whenever we think of a dream we have and think about it hard, ready to make it happen, we love. When we cook something new, we love. Each time we realize where we are and why that place and time is special, we love. (Thank you, Eckhart Tolle!) Yes, we have duties that we fulfill; we are social beings, we live in communities all our lives. But we do not have to feel lost when we find ourselves outside a community, as that will probably happen to make us understand that we must, at all times, regardless of how many duties we have to perform, we must, must, must spend time alone. It is only during our alone-time that we can hear our own voice, our inner guide, our instincts and our muse. It is then that we come to conclusions, it is then that we know what to do. It is then that God speaks to us, that the Universe will send us signals and signs, it is then that changes will start, the changes that will inevitably shape our personality and life. Not when there is commotion, not when there is raucus, not when there are dozens around us, not when the voice of others outdrowns us.

So what happens if I see a movie and I don’t discuss it with anyone? I’ve done it before. If I see something amazing in the street, a revelation or a scene that will move me terribly – do I need to speak of it to anyone to make it real, to prove that it existed? Is the need to share things with others – a desire to make others happy, or the wish to make ourselves shine in a brighter light by being beacons of some sort? Vanity is inexorable… it will be there hand in hand with selfishness. It will keep being there for a long time. I’m tired of being vain; I’m tired of being egotistic; I’m tired of voicing my own opinions in arguments; I’m tired of the never-tiring impulse, a want, a need to make myself heard, make myself shine brighter than others. I want to discover treasures, wonders, beauty, but sometimes I want to do it on my own. This may again be a twisted game of the ego, but I feel the need to do things alone. This is why I bought a ticket to a theatre play, I’ll go to see it on my own, I will not ask anyone to come with me, I’ll digest its message on my own and I’ll soak in the atmosphere on my own. I’ll listen to what my heart is saying, and not others. I’ll keep my mouth shut, and let my soul speak volumes to me and no one else. I’ve done such things before, but never consciously; this is a conscious decision, a step that I have to take in my personal development, and I’ll see how it will work out.